2012년 2월 29일 at 12:24 오전 |
I've thought about it repetitively. Someone who you used to trust so much, someone who you used to like so much, someone who used to be so important to you. I have a private blog. Few years back I posted something about you. Talking about how much I cherish you, talking about how much you mean to me. Reading it now makes me feel bitter. We can't deny that things have changed... I don't care if this sounds dumb because it's true. Trust is like a mirror, like a piece of paper. Once broken, once crushed, it'll never be the same again. Someone who used to mean so much to me now has 0 trust from me. How should I put this, it's not like I want to feel this way, it's just something that I cannot stop myself from feeling. I spend a lot of time wondering which side of people is their true self. Was it the one from the past, or the one now. The answer turned out to be both. People change, but I have no idea why.
Next chapter,
2012년 2월 28일 at 7:23 오후 |
Hi all! It's over!!!! All over. My 3 years in polytechnic is finally complete!!!!! I am extremely positive that I failed MA so it's not exactly officially over, yet. Nevertheless, there's still a reason to celebrate!!!! The last paper went ok, I wrote a lot of nonsense but at least there were nonsense to write.
I'm not sure how I'm gonna plan my next few weeks.... months.... years? Probably gonna look for a job, a simple part-time one first just to fill up my bank? And party everyday????? Hahaha. Earn money, spend money, earn money, spend money. Ah heck, enjoy first, worry later. Sounds like a good plan, no?
Before holidays
2012년 2월 27일 at 5:54 오후 |
Feeling really sick right now so I thought that I should have a little rest before I continue with AFA. But since I have absolutely nothing to do online, I'm here! Outburst of unhappiness last night made me feel a little lame today. Nevertheless... I still hope that there'll be a day where I can type whatever I want here... Again.
Anyway, a little update on what's happening recently. AFA studies is progressing really slowly... I cannot complete a question perfectly without any dumb mistakes! Sigh, I'm starting to feel stupid, it's like my brain can't process anything. I think I failed MA, actually, I can say I failed MA. It's impossible for me to pass. I think even if she give me a participation marks of 10, I will still fail. It sucks to fail at the very last stage, I honestly didn't expect myself to do so badly for MA... Sigh... Really hate it when I disappoint myself and my parents.
LAST PAPER TOMORROW. Well, last paper of the sem since I know I still have to re-take MA. WHATEVER LAH. MA still need wait for the second sem. Shall just party first lolololol. Less than a day more to my holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cant wait!!!! The next time I blog........................ HAH, it'll be my holidays already.
WOW!!!! FANTASTIC BABY. DANCE I WANNA DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE BOOM SHAKA LAKA BOOM SHAKA LAKA BOOM SHAKA LAKA DDDDDANCE.
She's right, I can't pretend that nothing happened because it will still come back to me. Honestly, I hate these changes. Why is it so hard to just open up ourselves in front of each other? And you know what, people cannot stop giving me advices without putting themselves in my shoes. What? Just because someone isn't who they used to be, you should "just forget it"? I don't know seriously, what were they thinking? These people obviously mean something to me?
I'm trying really hard. But reality sucks, sometimes even when you try your best, when it don't reach the standards or expectations of others, your best simply means nothing. Who cares if to you, you did your best? To others it's just "you didn't try your best" "you didn't do enough" "you didn't try harder". I'm tired... I'm tired of not reaching the expectations of what others have for me.
People can't stop pushing all the blames to me for the shit they do. And all I do is take in all the blames. Everyday i just sound like a retard who does everything wrong and the rest are like angels who've done no wrong. People nowadays only see themselves. I get all sorts of "you always didn't reply my text" and like oh wow, check who was the last one who texted in our conversation? It was me. What??? Then I get things like "why did you do this?!" and when I say "I told you before already" and they're like "I didn't see what" like how is it my fault that you didn't see????? I thought that pleasing everyone will make things change for the better but seems like people are just unappreciative.
I'm annoyed with everyone. Do shit loads of things to make them happy and once you do that very one thing that just doesn't please them, you're a fucking bad person. Everything becomes your fault, everyone suddenly have rights to talk shit about you. And so they say, no one will remember the good things you do, they only remember the bad things. Reality.
2012년 2월 26일 at 7:52 오후 |
Every time I see someone saying that they like you too and they claim their love for you to be huge, I die a little inside. It just feels like there's another extra person who's trying to take you away from me.
Marina Barrage
at 5:44 오후 |
Went to Marina Barrage yesterday for our Entrepreneur club outing and Chengsheng's farewell! We brought so much food, Chewy Junior, tidbits, loads of weird food from Old Chang Kee (thanks to JR). I think our timing was not too bad, it was a little hot at first but then the sun set and it was all good. There were sand flies but somehow it didn't bother us that much.
We didn't have any kite instead, we have a wishing lantern! They didn't allow us to light it within their premises so we went outside, which is pretty dumb since there were sooooo many trees outside. Ok so........ Here's the process:
*I have no idea why there's no audio! I just imported it in and the audio just... Disappeared. Too lazy to add any songs either... Hah.
Yup. So our lantern got stuck on a tree lmao it was seriously wtf all I could think of was the lantern will catch on fire then causing the entire tree to catch on fire then we'll have to call 995 or something to put out the fire......... While I was panicking and tweeting about the whole thing, Ash, Hm and Whua went to look for the security. The rest of us just stood there, praying. Haha! After awhile the fire went out on it's own and we called the rest back.
Went to CCK Mcdonald's after that for 'supper' and went home! An enjoyable day! I haven't played like that in awhile haha. Dread to go back to my notes but it'll be over soon!
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
Maybe I should stop trying.
I can't wait for the exams to be over.
Though the road ahead seems blury, I'm sure I'll figure out a way.
More faith, less doubts.
More BIGBANG, less you.
2012년 2월 24일 at 8:59 오후 |
Sometimes it scares me when I think about how much I love you. Listening to Blue last night, I suddenly thought of that night we first met. Caught my eye since 2007, I've never thought that I'd be able to meet you one day. How I asked that girl to change places with me just because I was the only, BIGBANG fan at that area. I have no idea who she is but you have no idea how thankful I am. The first thing my camera caught was coincidentally you. I couldn't say anything other than "ah" and your name. The other members' name didn't even came out from my mouth once. Meeting you for the second time was short but I was still thankful. Then came the third where you finally, finally, finally noticed me. Just because I haven't been talking about you lately, some people thought that you're no longer my favourite. You still are, and forever you will be. People think it's stupid. But I really love you, so damn much, Kwon Jiyong.
Even when we're like that, I feel thankful.
At least it's better than before..
I feel like I'm drifting apart form everyone... The thing is, it actually feels quite good. Everyone's brought up differently, everyone has different values, morals, priorities, and maybe sometimes it's just wrong to try and force your own values into the minds of others.
And instead of thinking about how you find me only when you need me, let's just say that at least you still find me. :)
I'm singing my blues
2012년 2월 23일 at 3:40 오후 |
2012년 2월 22일 at 10:09 오후 |
Today, I went to school for HH's AFA revision class. I'm soooo thankful that he actually took time to teach us! I wish everyone would be a little more appreciative. First of all, he is not getting paid. You might say that it will help him with his revision too but will you really offer to teach everyone, come back to school for hours, book empty classes? He could be selfish and study on his own but he decided to teach everyone instead... I missed yesterday's class, today's class lasted for 5 hours. It was draining me but it's productive! Totally regretted not attending yesterday's class. Anyway, thank you HH!!! I am totally not looking forward to revision on my own tomorrow.
Spoke to someone today, got kinda irritated. How much do you even know about me? I don't know seriously, I'm a Kpop fan. That's all you know and you can't stop putting me and the other casuals together. I'm not the same as your friends dude...my love for BIGBANG cannot be compared with their interest for BIGBANG. Pls get things right?....
On a happier note,BIGBANG IS BACK WITH "BLUE"!!!! A lovely ballad that has been on repeat mode since it was released last night. Because I'm using my iPad to blog, I can't embed the video here... Nevertheless please go and watch the MV!!!!! Just keep in mind that the cute guy in pink beanie is taken:) Gummy covered a short part of it..... Just saying.......
ALSO, I finally pre-ordered my BIGBANG ALIVE album!!!!!!!!! Hehe though it's the same, I still have to wait till 29th before the album release, I'm just excited!! Remember the pre-order I opened? I opened a batch 2! Response are overwhelming. I sent my order with 38 other albums and now for batch 2 I think I've hit at least another 30 albums as well? I'm happy! BIGBANG is gonna be so happy to know that. ^^♡
2012년 2월 20일 at 10:05 오후 |
You left me speechless again...
I started feeling afraid of speaking to you.
The fear of saying the wrong things that might hurt you, the fear of being pushed away again.
Words stuck in my throat, I take hours thinking of what appropriate words I should say.
But what comes out of me is always everything but the truth.
I hold back my true feelings to protect myself from disappointment.
I had to gather courage for days to bring myself to talk to you.
I had to find strength in past memories to convince myself that everything will be just fine.
I held on to my stupid pride even when I feel like I was losing you, I refuse to let go.
Along with a little faith I fall into an endless dilemma.
Misunderstandings build in between us and I got tired of explaining myself.
I thought it would be better to end things but how am I supposed to forget everything.
I fill my cold heart with alcohol but it still feels empty.
Words from the past starts to lose it's meaning.
The atmosphere of our conversation becomes heavy, the tone of our voice turns bitter.
Unhappiness, grudges, resentment and regrets fill the gaps in our words.
When did all these start coming in between us.
All the trust we had, the promises we made. Where did they go?
Friday Night
2012년 2월 17일 at 8:38 오후 |
Hi! Just thought I would blog about this. I finally bought it!!!! Nah, just kidding. After flooding my sister of how good it is to have a better microphone and so on, she decided to... Pay it for me!!!! Well, loaning me money actually but I know she wants it to. So yes, I finally have a decent microphone!!!! Way more than decent actually. This is the Samson C10U microphone I mentioned! I wanted to do a unboxing video just to show you guys but my sis was so excited to put it to test that she didn't let me :(
We also got a pop filter which in my opinion is really expensive. It does have it's benefits, just thought it was over priced. Because we didn't get a bigger microphone stand, the pop filter cannot be attached to the teeny weeny tripod provided so now it's just dangling there. A little messy but we can live with it. My opinion about the microphone. I LOVE IT!!!!!!! Obviously it's a billion times better than the one I was using. I think it serves me well, it's even fun to just speak into it and just replay. Hahaha! I can't wait for the holidays! I can't wait to record more stuff.
So today, I basically had my CSB interview session. It was so.... I don't know. I guess I looked really inappropriate. She picked on my hair, my outfit... my nails. Said I should look more conservative and I looked like I was going for dinner or party....... The rest went pretty okay, I was pretty shocked that I managed to crap my way through. But then she started picking on my attendance and even asked me questions like "do you normally absent yourself from school?".... I was punching her in my mind. But glad it's all over!
I'm down to two more modules. Two maths modules which I DREAD so much. I'm gonna start studying in an hour. This is so boring.
THE LEADER IS BACK
at 6:31 오후 |
MY KINGS ARE BACK ♛
at 12:39 오전 |
I... I just can't..... believe.... They just revived me and now I'm.... Just...
ALIVE.
wednesday night
2012년 2월 15일 at 10:04 오후 |
Hi! Hahaha. Here because I'd rather type nonsense here than start studying. I don't know urgh my notes are like in front of me but it's just.... Not attractive enough? Haha. So perhaps you all might know, I used to have a blogshop that I closed because advertising is shit work and I'm lazy to advertise and do all those stuff.... It was fun... But blogshops nowadays are so competitive no? Anyway, if you guys still don't know, Bigbang is back!!!!!! Coming back. Er. So yup I desperately wanna order my album off yge, I don't know... I have an account there so why not just order there right? But since shipping fees are mad... I decided to open a pre-order.
I don't know mannnnnn. I'm just such a worry freak. Initially I was worried that what if nobody wants to buy from me but now it's like I'm worried that too many people will buy from me!!!! -_- I know I'm lame but it's true!!! I don't own the credit card man.... You know what I'm saying? Hah.
But anyway, I got so 'enthu' about opening the pre-order that I started planning to open a YGe spree HAHAHAHAHA. Must maintain. Hopefully this pre-order will go smoothly and we'll all get our albums happily! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Have you ever have those thoughts.... Those thoughts that come randomly and/or magically, perhaps also annoying, late at night? Some of them are silly, some might harm you, and some might just help me complete this post here? Well throughout the whole night, I've been thinking...
If I were less sensitive, less afraid, less insecure, more understanding, more forgiving, more open minded, more positive, more sincere, more honest, more thoughtful. Maybe things wouldn't be as bad as how it is now. If I had more faith, more trust, less doubts, less thoughts... Maybe we will have a different ending. You told me that nobody is perfect. You are half right, I am not a perfect person. And you are half wrong because you are perfect to me.
Do you all have thoughts similar to this? Do you all stop and think about what you're missing, what you should have or not have to make yourself a better person etc? Do you all stop and think about what kind of person you are, how you've been treating everyone so far, are you doing things right etc?
It's 5 in the morning... My brain is crashing from all these thoughts. I'm crashing... I'm so exhausted. But on a side note.. I know I'm really childish to delete you away like that. I was dying to go back, until I realize that I made your life more simple, by not being in your life.
new found love (again)
2012년 2월 4일 at 9:34 오후 |
Sup everyone. I went to Sim Lim today, finally! To check out the prices of my beloved AT2020. I saw it in a couple of stores, 3 stores actually and the prices were $230 and $240 (including a pop filter). Er, saw some pop filters as well and they cost a bomb?! Like $38? I was sure I don't have $230 in my bank so I didn't buy it. It feels so awesome just looking at it?! In real life?! Haha!
But anyway, at the store, we asked if they have any other more affordable microphones and this woman showed me 2 from Samson, a brand I actually know (God I'm turning into a gadget freak), one only cost $80 but I thought that the box was so small????? Then she showed me another which was $100++ and I thought it was not bad! I forgot how much it was but I went to another store and they sold it at $149. Not bad I guess? So I went online to do some research and watch some review and it actually came out fine! It also comes with a bag and stand (just like the AT2020) and it's also a USB microphone and it's... So much cheaper!
I WANT IT SO BADLY.
I don't know. Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Is it too expensive? Hahahaha...
I WANT IT. URGH. I think I might have $150 in my bank... I hope I have more so I can get a pop filter too. Haha! Fat hope. AHHHHH. I REALLY WANT IT.
Things about trust
2012년 2월 3일 at 11:25 오후 |
It's really hard to trust someone who had broken your trust before?
Really hard to trust someone who obviously only find you when they really need help and only when they need help. Actually for me right now, it's just really hard to trust anyone.
